I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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