His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
