I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
