OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
