ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
