ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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