Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
