Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
