Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
