Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
