Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Drunk is a universal language darling
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
