fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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