I am puke
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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