I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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