he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
