I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
