you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
