I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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