i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
