Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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