So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
