I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
