I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
do herpes really smell.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
