is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
