I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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