remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
