id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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