Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
