pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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