just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
