i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize