Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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