toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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