In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
