Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So vagazzling was a success
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
