well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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