We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize