I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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