my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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