there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
