I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
