just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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