He uses pillows to masturbate.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
