so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
