I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
