Umm I'm too high to move.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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