Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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