My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
