Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
