im six kinds of drunk right now
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
