We named our party play list daddy issues
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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