Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
