sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
