At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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