it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
