I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Randomize
