I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize