I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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