I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
