im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
