I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
