Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
