Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
