I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
