the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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